list your computer jokes!

Post here if you just want to chat about... whatever.

Moderator: The Mod Squad

list your computer jokes!

Postby triggerhappy41 » Fri Sep 26, 2003 6:25 pm

ill start:

Windows has detected movement in your mouse. You will have to restart before the changes can take effect.
CPU=AMD Athlon X2 3800+
RAM=Corsair XMS DDR400 1GB 2-3-3-6 Timings
MOBO=ASUS A8N-E
VID=EVGA GeForce 7950GT
HDD=74GB WD Raptor
triggerhappy41
Black Belt 1st Degree
Black Belt 1st Degree
 
Posts: 1517
Joined: Sun Aug 10, 2003 10:52 pm
Location: Arizona

Postby HH » Fri Sep 26, 2003 6:48 pm

I'm pretty sure this one's been posted here before but it's been awhile. This will take about a minute to load on dialup but it's worth it.

Click on "E-mail Cartoon" below. :wink:

E-mail Cartoon
(Still) Happy Hillbilly
2361 actual posts
Joined: 07/04/02
HH
Brown Belt
Brown Belt
 
Posts: 398
Joined: Thu May 29, 2003 5:27 pm
Location: Murphy, NC

Postby Black Wolf » Fri Sep 26, 2003 6:57 pm

HH wrote:I'm pretty sure this one's been posted here before but it's been awhile. This will take about a minute to load on dialup but it's worth it.

Click on "E-mail Cartoon" below. :wink:

E-mail Cartoon


....or two minutes if you work at HP. Anyway:

31 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:


1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead

. 2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-)

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that CD could refer to investment finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. However, you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better: the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
Image
Black Wolf
Black Belt 5th Degree
Black Belt 5th Degree
 
Posts: 8955
Joined: Fri Aug 08, 2003 1:47 pm
Location: Ottawa, Canada

Postby Tulatin » Fri Sep 26, 2003 7:59 pm

LOL! Those were good, and quite a few apply to me... *beep*
Tulatin
Enlightened Master
Enlightened Master
 
Posts: 14664
Joined: Wed Dec 11, 2002 2:29 pm
Location: Canada

Postby ecclaed » Tue Sep 30, 2003 9:52 am

LoL, good ones Black Wolf.

(Goes off to write a haiku under a tree with pen and paper... starts to get fidgety and runs back to the comforting glow of her monitor.)

o__o
ecclaed
Green Belt
Green Belt
 
Posts: 120
Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2003 11:12 am
Location: NJ, USA

Dos Upon A Midnight Dreary

Postby Black Wolf » Tue Sep 30, 2003 12:58 pm

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted,
by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data -- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear that it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
Image
Black Wolf
Black Belt 5th Degree
Black Belt 5th Degree
 
Posts: 8955
Joined: Fri Aug 08, 2003 1:47 pm
Location: Ottawa, Canada

Postby ils_fl » Tue Sep 30, 2003 1:01 pm

Last edited by ils_fl on Sat Mar 05, 2011 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
ils_fl
Black Belt
Black Belt
 
Posts: 739
Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2003 11:30 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada

Postby Black Wolf » Tue Sep 30, 2003 1:05 pm

Dead link or crappy Compaq work computer?......



And thanks ecclaed.
Image
Black Wolf
Black Belt 5th Degree
Black Belt 5th Degree
 
Posts: 8955
Joined: Fri Aug 08, 2003 1:47 pm
Location: Ottawa, Canada

Postby ils_fl » Tue Sep 30, 2003 1:24 pm

i don't think its dead but anyway

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER

Did anyone see my lost carrier?

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now .

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Double your drive space - delete Windows!

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

My computer isn't that nervous...it's just a bit ANSI.

My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.

Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.

Honey, I Formatted the Kid!

Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!

Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...

Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...

Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...

Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...

Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.

Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!

C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.

ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

"Today's subliminal thought is:"

'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'

'.... now touch these wires to your tongue!'

Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!

Computers are only human.

This time it will surely run.

I just found the last bug.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant

Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152

On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button

I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in FORTRAN. -Anonymous

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra

"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."

"Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE"

Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...

Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...

God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*

AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous

CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today

This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.

Today?s assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator

Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER

My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.

Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.

To define recursion, we must first define recursion.

Good programming is 99% sweat and 1% coffee.

enjoy.
________
Gossip Girl Advice
Last edited by ils_fl on Sat Mar 05, 2011 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
ils_fl
Black Belt
Black Belt
 
Posts: 739
Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2003 11:30 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada

Postby Black Wolf » Tue Sep 30, 2003 1:58 pm

Good ones in there, espically the first one about the magnet and the floppy disk.

Althought
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
is not a joke as so much a stament of life. (watch Van Wilder)
Image
Black Wolf
Black Belt 5th Degree
Black Belt 5th Degree
 
Posts: 8955
Joined: Fri Aug 08, 2003 1:47 pm
Location: Ottawa, Canada

Next

Return to The Water Cooler

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests